Evaluating the end of a marriage is complex, and it can be tempting to view things with a straightforward lens. But our perspectives are often influenced by cognitive biases—mental shortcuts that shape how we interpret experiences, interactions, and memories. These biases impact decision-making and emotional reactions in any relationship, especially in a marriage, where biases can skew reality and prevent honest assessment and growth.
In this article, we’ll explore critical cognitive biases that can affect how we view our marriage and why recognizing them is essential for making balanced, informed decisions about the future.
Confirmation Bias
What It Is: Confirmation bias is the tendency to look for, remember, or interpret information in a way that confirms our pre-existing beliefs. If you’re frustrated with your soon-to-be ex-partner, confirmation bias may lead you to focus on things that support your negative feelings and ignore positive behaviors or efforts.
Impact on the Collaborative Divorce Process: Over time, this bias can cause you to overlook moments of progress as you become attuned only to what confirms your current frustration or disappointment. This selective attention can drive misunderstandings.
What to Do: Notice patterns in your thinking. Ask yourself, Am I only focusing on the negatives?
Negativity Bias
What It Is: The human brain is wired to notice and remember negative experiences more than positive ones.
Impact: Negativity bias can lead to resentment, building walls between partners. The bias may also cause you to dwell on past arguments or painful memories, skewing your perspective of the marriage and reinforcing feelings of frustration or dissatisfaction that can block your ability to look to the future or consider what is best for your children.
What to Do: Practice mindfulness when interacting with your soon-to-be ex-partner. Revisit positive shared memories and create space to acknowledge the good things. Maintaining a balanced view can offer a more grounded perspective on the relationship and help you make important decisions about the future.
The Fundamental Attribution Error
What It Is: This bias refers to the tendency to attribute others’ actions to their character rather than their circumstances. For instance, if your soon-to-be ex-partner is not responding, you may interpret it as their being dismissive rather than considering that they may be stressed or overwhelmed and finding it difficult to think or talk at that moment.
Impact: The fundamental attribution error can lead to miscommunication and unfair judgments, especially during times of conflict or stress. Focusing on assumed character flaws instead of situational factors makes it easy to fall into a cycle of blame, leading to resentment and disconnection.
What to Do: Take a step back before jumping to conclusions. When your soon-to-be ex-partner does something that bothers you, consider potential external factors. This approach fosters empathy and helps de-escalate conflicts.
Hindsight Bias
What It Is: Hindsight bias is the tendency to believe that past events were predictable or avoidable, especially if they led to negative outcomes. This bias can make us think, I should have seen the signs or knew this would happen when no one can predict the future.
Impact: Hindsight bias can lead to unfair self-blame or blame on your partner. It’s common for couples to feel regret about past decisions, which can become a barrier to growth if it turns into ongoing resentment.
What to Do: Recognize that we all make decisions based on the information available at the time. Aim to be compassionate with yourself and your partner, letting go of regret that serves no constructive purpose.
Self-Serving Bias
What It Is: Self-serving bias is the tendency to attribute successes to our own abilities and failures to external factors. In a marriage, this bias can manifest as taking credit for positive outcomes while shifting blame to your partner for negative ones.
Impact: This can create an imbalance in accountability, leading to frustration and feelings of unfairness. When one partner consistently feels blamed, it can erode trust in the Collaborative Divorce Process and Team.
What to Do: Practice accountability by reflecting honestly on your contributions to the relationship’s positive and negative aspects. A balanced view of shared responsibility fosters a stronger, more collaborative dynamic.
Why Recognizing Bias Matters
Understanding cognitive biases is crucial in a marriage because it brings a level of objectivity to how we perceive our relationship. Knowing these biases, we’re better equipped to separate personal insecurities, fears, and assumptions from reality. This self-awareness can lead to:
- Better Communication: Recognizing bias helps prevent misunderstandings, allowing open discussions during the Collaborative Divorce Process and beyond.
- Increased Empathy: Acknowledging how our biases influence perceptions allows us to extend more empathy to our soon-to-be ex-partner and build a stronger co-parenting relationship.
- Healthier Decision-Making: With less emotional distortion, couples can make helpful decisions about what is best for their children.
- Stronger Self-Reflection: Recognizing biases encourages self-reflection, fostering growth that strengthens your relationship as co-parents.
Moving Forward with Awareness
While cognitive biases are natural, they don’t have to control your relationship. By becoming mindful of these thought patterns, you can step back and view the end of your marriage with fresh eyes. This awareness can transform how you engage with each other, making space for understanding regardless of your challenges.
I love helping people find what uniquely works for them to build trust in their relationships. The essence of our existence lies in the relationships we cultivate. I focus on the dynamics that make relationships tick and help to build understanding where there is conflict.
For over 25 years I have experienced the privilege of working in Africa, Europe, Australia, and the United States of America, helping people from various cultural backgrounds deal with significant life transitions and challenges.
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